< - - - FAITH - -

Tuesday

2 months in SG

Is been 2 month since i arrived. I joined SSLC for a month and a half too. I rather very lucky to be able to get a job so fast, SSLC is a law firm, fast pace work environment. Indeed it is stressful, sometimes kind a frustrated, yet everyone is nice. True that I spent alot time for my work, working over time most of the time, went back for work on weekend or public holiday. However, how stressful, how frustrated, how tire am I, I will not allow myself to give up.
I did went back home last month, just a few day, the journey is quite tiring. My life did not changed much though, the way I live, I still love staying home when I could, aint much social.
Last night, my bf went out with friends and came home late, I was worry, tried to call but cant get through. Once I able to speak to him, I wasn't in goood anymore, after I hang up the phone, I burst into tear. Then... I started to browse through my phone, and I realise I do not have family photo with me, not in my phone, not in facebook, not in my laptop. Then... I felt very bad, very sad. How could I have let myself not having any family photo somewhere, not even 1.
I'm still staying with my bf now. I knoe my parent do not wish Im here but.... Honestly, I do not know, for clear, what is best, what to do.
IM FEELING TIRE, PHYSICALLY, EMOTINALLY...

|DREAMS WILL COME TRUE |

Friday

Why...

Why am I so careless?? Why I keep making all those silly mistake? I know it well I have this problem but why I still repeating this mistake again and again? I know I have no room to afford to make such mistake but I still doing it. Now I did such a silly mistake which bring a big consequence, I hate myself.
ES talk to me just now, she did not scold me but i really feel bad. She say Im good, I can understand thing quite fast, she like me, however I must take note my weakness and improve myself.
She did ask me something else, asking whether Im still staying with my bf and others.

I don't know what I should do anymore, to stay or move out. I know the reason why my parent asking me move out, at least I think i know. I understand why my bf want me to stay.

For me, staying here is okay. At this time, I felt that staying here would allow me being more able to commit myself to my work, I dont need spend time just to go out meet my bf, I dont need worry is he ok, is he home and bla bla bla...I dont need spend more money, I could save more and reach my goal faster. But the same time I need to struggle in my heart, with my parent. Anyway, when thing aint so right and I feel like running back home, I become stronger and felt better once seeing him and gave me reason not to do so.

It balance my inner self, that what I think. However, I just don't know what to do anymore.

My work, is been 3 weeks and I keep having mistake. I hate myself so much.....

|DREAMS WILL COME TRUE |

Tuesday

Play Ourworld

|DREAMS WILL COME TRUE |

Sunday

second lower honour?

2 days ago, the pass lists had been posted on ELP so as the final list for the final year student.My name is under the second class honour lower division, even it is not my full name, it is my student id number, i guess it won't be any mistake. However, i keep worry it just a dream. Indeed, when i was under UOL, second lower is the grade i ever dare to dream of. Subsequently transfered to NU, i actually to think i have a chance to get second upper at least but it did not turn out this way. Anyway, to get a 2-2 is good enough since i did screw up with one of my exam paper. Just that, why do i feel so empty?
Ever since i been there for a week and came home, i was unable to be fully happy, i can't help feeling something missing. I just can't stop to think of going away from where i am now, starting a whole new circle of life. Really wanted so but i have to be patience, i have to wait, wait for the right time but when is the right time? I just don't know. I guess the only thing i can do is to wait for an offer and then i will know what will be my next step. Is this so?
Long ago, i had a feeling this is not where i belong to, this feeling continues to follow me until now, and it became stronger day by day. I hated myself for this since everyone saying im so lucky, to have such a wonderful family, great parent, happy life but why i don't feel happy? Why i felt so lonely? So sorrow? Why do i wanted to run? Even felt that it would be great if im dead, not once but few times for some years ago.
I felt that my life aint mine, being here but i know that the world outside aint so sweet and nice too. Yet, i wanted to live on another life, a different life from now. Is almost time for me being able to do so right? To start a new life with him, at there. It would be something that closer to what i dream to have, right? A step closer to my goal, right? It should be.
I Miss You, my dear hubby...

|DREAMS WILL COME TRUE |

Monday

What is this feeling?

Really, I can't tell what is this feeling.

Exam is coming but what is playing in my mind is 'I still got time', 'I wish to go somewhere else', 'I hope that this pressure will just go away' but the truth is exam is really close, I don't have time anymore. Go where? Where I want to be at? I have no idea. Why not just leave me alone, just alone, anywhere will do. Pressure will never go away, this go another come, hack it.
Our discussion going on intensively, we made a schedule and trying our best to stick with it. When I just reading the notes alone, I think is still okay but when discussing, my friend continuously trying out to approach a question, I felt so unsafe, I need more time to get this done but the same time I could think about the framework, even not in detail but roughly a skeleton answer for the question. However, I still feel that's not good enough. Maybe I shouldn't continue to follow my pace but to attempt question like my friend. If I do that, will I have enough time to memorise the substance? What to do?What to be done?I doing good enough?Should I change?Will what I did sufficient enough for me to get through this exam?Hack it.
My friend said something today; we been having exam for half year. Indeed is true if we count from the start of the coursework. From that day start, we been dragging ourself to get this done and get that finish. To make sure everything in time, everything is running well. Study, coursework, revision, exam and ancillary stuff.
I feel tire from all this, thought of continue study something after this degree while working but I guess I need a break before another begin. I need a break now but I can't let myself to at this moment, I felt so guilty after I spent the time for something other than study. I guess after the exam is over, I got to relax myself, set myself free. Like my friend says 'Die once and then come back and start all over again.'

|DREAMS WILL COME TRUE |

Sunday

Last month for the 'battle'??

Time does fly by very fast, it is May now. My friends and I busy with our coursework (final round? - hopefully do not need to resit) and we are on the way preparing ourself for the coming exam at the end of this month. After this, the battle to hunt a job will start - hope it will went smooth.
Now, I'm sitting at OldTown, Center Point. Waiting for myself to finish their coursework (mine? - waiting for a friend to amend and comment, she said she will pass it to me tomorrow). Feeling tire and I'm sleepy.
Oh yeah.. Last night I went to my school friend gathering - BBQ. A few of them I had not meet for years. The three guy went to New Zealand work -pick apple, I did not ask how long they been there. We watch some of the photo, is late I had to go, so did not finish it.

My Coursework result. I had received a parcel for two out of three, is 57% and 65% marks. That day I email NU to ask about my Medical Law, they replied, it is 41%. I'm heartbroken and my mood all spoiled. Anyway, what had pass is pass, what important now is to finish the current coursework and to be well prepare for the exam. Oh.. This gonna be a rough month!

|DREAMS WILL COME TRUE |

Friday

Exhausted

Im exhausted. For past few months, life is been non-stop for my study, one after another work to be done, from three coursework to preparation for 3 exam subject, this revision yet to be done and now slot in another coursework. But, still in fear of having to resit for the previous 3 coursework, day by day checking the mail box. Worry for the exam, worry for the current coursework. Feminism, quite alot of views in my mind, but how to put it out, logically, officially, organised? and proven to be true? Searching and searching for materials but keep failing, abit frustrated. I do have some material on hand but i still cant figure out how to get it done.
I cant remember how long had i been able to sleep without thinking of all this things. My house out of maid, i have to contribute a certain time for the housework. Final exam approaching, i have to prepare myself for it, and afterthat would be job hunting. Another issue is the problem with college. I want it to be ended. It would be, once my friends have the talk with Dr., he asked us to give him the sum we willing to pay, he will top up the remaining to the college. I told my friends i will be able to get it to 2.5k. Another payment is the exam venue (BC), we did a registration our own but now college would arrange us to be slot back in to BAC, however the name of the incharge person we sent out in the form and the one given by Mr. W is two different name. Im not confident there wont be anymore problem, since problem had been haunting us from day 1 with NU. I would like it to be clarify before i pay the 750 to BAC for BC, if can i would like it to be put in 'black and white'. It doesnt feel good things turn out to be so harsh.
Pressure! Major need to be relax. It would take times, would only fully be able to do so after all this things done, at the least i done the exam. Read an email a moment ago, '7 sorry'. Have some complicated feelings. Is true you know, sometimes sorry could be just an entertain to calm someone down, just like an affairs involved in a marriage. Eventhough the party said sorry for what he or she did, it still hurt the other one. Hmm...bring back the thinking for feminism, men were allow to marry a few women few centuries ago. better get back to my coursework now....

|DREAMS WILL COME TRUE |