last nite i 'shi mian',too much thinking in my head,too much question bothering me...had a weird dream u noe,i dream of i bein chase by 2 ghost,dey killied me,with knife,continously chopping on me.......is scary,is terrified,ask for help but no 1 here,woke up i cry...hard to slp back again...den morning ard 10 i start writing a letter,letter for my bf,but i haven decide to giv him the letter i wrote or not,is weird rite,i got a phone i can cal him n tok to him,tell him wad i say,but i chose to write my thought my feeling on a paper,if i use to tok,i noe i cant say wad i want to tell...
last nite i chat with him,at 1st ok de den he start toking dat wad i did for my holiday,start saying im wasted all my time,he ask wad i learn tis holiday,i tell him i did learn sumting,but i cant tell him wad,coz i dun wan to,den he say,yalar,u learn to play game n slp oni ma,i keep quite...yah,im not happy with wad he said,'wo hen xiao qi' dats wad he said,den i tell him he not prefect oso wad,he ask me tell him,again i keep quite,he use a very anoying tone say 'c im prefect wad,better den u alot alot more',im hurt,totally hurt,but i hav noting to say dat time,i juz tell him i feel like hanging up the phone,im trying to control myself u noe,not to be mad...
he my bf,he can oni c my weakness,he can oni keep telling wad i shld do wad i shld change,he keep telling me is for my own gd,he keep saying im not mature,so childish dun noe how to thk properly for my future,so he hav to guide me...im tire listen tis words,tire to juz accepting wad he say n telling myself he do hav a point n hide up my point of view,im tire to try telling him i hav my idea of living,i hav my opinion wad is gd for me for my life...im not able to tok bout my thought to him anymore,dats y i chose to write it down,but den im stil wonder had i wrote all the thing dat i wan say,im stil thiking shld i let him read tis letter...
He always say he hav a mature thinking de,im not...he got plan his future but me not...i hav noting to argue back liao,since he think i canot accept his opinion n not goin to take his advice make changes...but at the same time i would like to ask him did he listen to me,listen wad i wan to say?everytime i try to tok he start toking my weakness n so on...everytime after an arguement,he always say he wont force me de,let me do wad i wan to do...but at the end he still keep toking...i dun noe wad to do anymore...with him,with my life...
I understand i nid to change myself to be better,but tis nid time,nid to be done step by step...I ask him giv me time,but he stil keep forcing me...question arising in my mind,shld i cont with him?i noe i cant let him go...shld i force myself to be sum1 he wan me to be?i noe 1 day i may feel like tis is not the life i wan...shld i love him?im not sure,since all tis argueing is making me tire...
